just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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