i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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