I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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