We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She announced her abortion via fbk
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
