Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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