just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
