Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
