I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
this will be a night to untag.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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