i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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