he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
