Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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