Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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