True but thats because hes a fetus.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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