My liver just broke up with me...
Quick, to the slutcave!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
