3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
it was like eating out sand paper
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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