So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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