I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
