I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Your dad touched me again.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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