Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
