I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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