Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
