He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I cockslap morals
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i love accidental penises.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
