I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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