Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize