so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
