WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
