he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
