be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
