Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize