Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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