that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
