She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
