I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
