Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
