Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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