And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
