I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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