i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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