I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
