Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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