Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
