I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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