So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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