you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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