Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
