i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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