oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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