i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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