she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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