Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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