and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
