I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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