I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
