On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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