i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
sex in a hospital.. check
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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