M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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