I wish my penis had an off switch
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
