I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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