My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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