True but thats because hes a fetus.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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