then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
They have beer where we have blood.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
