Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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